A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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