started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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