I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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