I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
