i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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