Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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