My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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