I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
