his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
