its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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