i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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