Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Randomize
