Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
