True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
