god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
