billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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