quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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