Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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