Swine flu is the new snow day.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
