Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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