I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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