the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
