where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
