mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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