That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
