twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
