At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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