i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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