The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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