when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
