dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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