Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
