All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
