I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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