Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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