She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
