From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
