I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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