thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
