My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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