Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
