i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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