This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
ttyl tear gas
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
