Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
