great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
