What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
