My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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