I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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