Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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