so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
