so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
