You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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