So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
