I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
