I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
